gunhearted | ic contact @ savetheearth

Huh??

i don't understand.

[sigh, he doesn't really want to explain the context, why is his life so hard]

The short version is I made a bad decision because at the time I thought it was necessary.

so it was an accident?

Him dying, yes.

[ugh maybe he does need to explain the context. one more try without, though...]

But I made some decisions leading up to it that I should not have, and it made a lot of people angry. My roommate, too.

[Oh that sounds... bad. But still, if he had good intentions, it was just an accident.]

If you didn't mean it, though...

He isn't mad at me for getting him killed. He is mad at me for making him think I wanted to kill him.

[it's...complicated, Jacuzzi. sorry.]

So he thought you wanted to kill him. But you didn't. And he died?

[He's trying really hard to understand.]

I put a gun to his head.

[he knows it was wrong, he's not trying to defend it, he's not really sure why he's telling Jacuzzi at all. maybe he just wants to see whose side he'll take, either so he can be satisfied by the loyalty or righteously indignant by the lack thereof.]

But he died because there was an explosion and he would not let us save him from it.

[SECOND TEXT, THIS IS AN IMPORTANT POINT TO CLARIFY HE REALIZES]

It wasn't loaded.

[Ravi you may have picked the right guy if you wanted loyalty. If nothing else, that is something Jacuzzi can manage. He has had no one in his life before now and he will cling to every someone he can get. Also he's got a terrible habit of finding the best in everyone around him.

TBF he doesn't agree with putting a gun to someone's head loaded or not that's generally a bad idea, but Proud was one of the bad guys right? And how can he judge if it was the right thing to do or not? He was the reincarnation of a man who shot out eighteen buildings in one night in revenge for the lives of three of his friends, and then killed three more when the family who he offended came after him.

Really, he thinks he has no place to judge Ravi. Not someone who had anxiety, not someone who was a combat medic and probably used to harsh tactics, not somebody who made sure the gun wasn't loaded. He was probably trying his best.

And thank god typing takes a long time or Ravi would've gotten that all typed out and that wouldn't necessarily be for the best.]

maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, but a lot of people make mistakes. he was a bad person, wasn't he? i can see why he's mad, but you were just doing your best right?

[YEAH THAT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.]

He was not a bad person. Only bad circumstances.

[besides, he's not sure 'being a bad person' would make it any more justified. 'actively attempting to harm you' is one thing, but judging a person to be less worthy of living because of a subjective value judgment? he's not really comfortable with that.]

At the time I thought it was necessary. There were other people I was trying to save and I did not see another way.

I don't know what he wants from me. [back to bitching abt the roommate] I can't change what has happened.

maybe if you give him some time it'll get better. it probably won't be the same again if he's this upset but he probably won't be mad forever. if you already explained it to him, maybe he just needs to think it over...

[Then again what does Jacuzzi know? He has no friends.]

['it probably won't be the same again' but that's what he's scared of. he HATES change, and he doesn't want his best friendship soured by something that was, honestly, not entirely within his control. and he's scared that it won't get better at all, that it'll just get worse and worse until it breaks]

Maybe. [if that were vocal it'd be easy enough to recognize the half-hearted 'only agreeing to appease you' tone behind that]

We have fought over this before. Not Proud, but the worry that pulses can change who you are and you won't even notice until it is too late.

He never took it seriously, and then it happened, and still he is not taking it seriously.

[Jacuzzi can recognize that "maybe" even in text. He uses it all the time, after all.]

It's because of echoes?

I'm pretty sure, yes. [and he's too self-absorbed right now, caught up in his own situation and his own anger, to realize that's something Jacuzzi's also worried about.]

[he is now COMPLETELY NEGATING everything he told Jacuzzi to reassure him in that conversation ha ha whoopssss]

I think I acted very differently than I normally would have.

[Oh great he is going to become a crazy gang leader okay cool.

He doesn't really know what to say to that. Or how to reassure him. If it's messing with his life this badly, Jacuzzi doesn't think there is anything to say to reassure him.]

Then he'll get it, too, sooner or later. If they're going to mess with everybody....

[...not sure if comforting or worrisome.]

[in the moment, though, he's feeling vindictive enough to say: ] I hope so.

And then I can brush off his concerns and pretend it's not a problem and he can see how it feels. [ASSHOLE.]

[i am sorry you have to see this side of him Jacuzzi]

[Ravi, no. Jacuzzi has actually never felt that way about anything so he's surprised. Not... upset, because he's pretty sure that's how most people work. But surprised.]

Will that make it any better?

[sigh Jacuzzi why do you have to be a voice of reason right now. that's the kind of question his therapist would ask and he knows it, so there's an automatic sense of 'you're wrong and you just got called on it.']

[w/e w/e you're not his therapist, he'll double down]

It doesn't fix anything. But thinking about it makes me feel better.

[That's not how he meant it it's not he promises!]

I just don't want you to feel worse later....

[hufffff jacuzzi staaaahp. you're making him step back and evaluate his behaviour!! HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO THAT RIGHT NOW HE JUST WANTS TO BE ANGRY]

Don't worry about it.

I left so I wouldn't make it worse and I won't go back until I calm down.

[ISN'T THAT WHAT FRIENDS??? ACQUAINTANCES??? MUTUAL SUFFERERS OF SEVERE ANXIETY DISORDERS??? DO THOUGH?

Jacuzzi doesn't want him to hate himself. He does that all the time and it's miserable.]

I'm sure he'll understand eventually. I still don't think it's your fault, so maybe someone'll convince him too?

[yeah Ravi's been there too and it's not great. now he's moved on to just always being unsure of himself which is a huge step up!]

I hope so. [the conversation didn't give him very much, though.]

ic contact @ savetheearth

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