ic contact @ savetheearth

[gunhearted]

[Please specify the following:
Phone • Text • Video • Action]

Comments

[healspec]

[the response takes a few minutes, because he's trying to be very careful with his words.]

It's okay for you to bother me for anything. I promise you that.

[he is definitely stretching the truth, but what he means is he'll PRETEND it's okay and he will try to avoid letting on any annoyance he may feel.]

Your anxiety doesn't know me. It can't decide how I feel. I know it is more comfortable to trust it because it is familiar, but remember it usually is lying to you.

[gunhearted]

[Oh no it's the lecture. Jacuzzi's jerk reaction is sent before he can think about it. oops.]

yes sir.

[healspec]

[oh no. he knows what rote 'can i go yet' reactions sound like and that means he's made things worse instead of better. this isn't what he wanted! PANIC MODE, HOW FIX?!]

That was pushing too far, sorry. Forget it.

[three seconds after sending: NO YOU PROBABLY JUST MADE IT EVEN WORSE]

[follow-up: ] I'm not angry with you. Please don't think that.

[FUCK NO THAT SOUNDS SO DUMB WHY DID HE EVEN SEND THAT]

[follow-up follow-up: ] Pretend I'm good at this.

[why can't he be good at this. this is the worst. face in hands what is his life]

[gunhearted]

[Oh no the cycle has begun. Jacuzzi panics when his phone goes off three times. He panics more when they're all from Ravi because either it's a lot of texts or one giant text and he doesn't know what's worse because a giant text means he had a lot to say but three small texts means he had a lot of different things to say and those can both go bad.

And then he just feels bad because now he knows he made Ravi feel bad and that wasn't his intention. He just didn't know what to say in response to a minispeech he's gotten telling him he had to get something under control that he knows he has to get under control. He's used to that.

And he just feels awful. See, this is why you shouldn't waste your time.]

it's my fault.

i told you, i'm a lost cause.

[healspec]

[HE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO LOOK. can he just go back about 30 minutes and do this whole thing over?]

[he lasts about three minutes before the burning need to know what was said is too strong for him to fight anymore.]

You're not. It's not your fault.

It's only that I am not very good at knowing what to say.

[gunhearted]

no that's not it you're really good!

i just don't think anything i do is gonna fix me so.

i appreciate it and everything but i don't want to take up any more of your time i'll be okay.

[healspec]

No. I always have been awful at talking to people. [HE KNOWS THIS, you don't have to lie to him about it to make him feel better]

I don't feel like it is the kind of problem that gets fixed. None of it has gone away, I only learned to work with it better.

[okay that's not ENTIRELY true because he has medication that works extremely well for him, but all the thought processes that contribute to his anxiety are still there and the medication alone was not enough]

[gunhearted]

i'm not lying you're better than a lot of people are. at least about this.

i've just been like this forever i tried probably everything. its not easy to deal wtih me so i don't want you to feel bad.

[healspec]

[Jacuzzi that just makes him feel REALLY BAD for you. he knows he's bad at this, he can only imagine how much worse everyone else is. (he's really not that bad at this. what is confidence.)]

I don't want you to feel bad, either.

[gunhearted]

[Confidence is something incredibly lacking between them.]

i always feel abd it's okay really.

[healspec]

So do I.

[face in hands forever. it just feels like such a dumb thing to admit to someone. NOT THAT JACUZZI ADMITTING IT WAS DUMB, THAT'S DIFFERENT BECAUSE IT'S NOT HIMSELF]

[gunhearted]

you shouldnt

i mean you're doing really well right? you've got a job and friends and stuff and you sound like you know what yo're talking about so you shouldn't feel bad about stuff.

and you're trying a lot harder htan anybdy else to help me and you dont even have to youre not my doctor or my family or anything so don't feel bad about this at least

[healspec]

All that is on the outside. [also he has, like, three friends. and two of them are a pretty recent development.]

On the inside I still am like you, but in smaller ways.

[gunhearted]

but thats wrong

i mean maybe its true

i mean it's not true because you already helped me out a lot or i woudlvefailed my classes so i guess thats an outside thing i dont know

but you seem like a good kind of person so you shouldn't feel bad.

[healspec]

If I told you why you shouldn't always feel bad, would that make it stop?

[the answer is no. he knows that. he's asking as a way to demonstrate that this is coming from the same place for both of them. that it's not rational and you can't be talked out of it. that it's still there, even if others can't or won't see it.]

[gunhearted]

im sorry i dont knoww hat else tos ay.

im really really bad with worsds

[healspec]

It's fine. [actually the truth for once!] I'm not upset.

It's not rational to feel bad all the time. I know that, but that does not make it go away.

[gunhearted]

[Uggggh all Jacuzzi can feel now is that there's absolutely no hope omg.]

im sorrt.

[healspec]

['don't feel bad about it,' he almost says, but catches himself. in context, not a useful thing to say.]

It's fine. You don't need to apologize. [again.]

[gunhearted]

but i do i didn't mean to say something stupid.

[healspec]

Neither did I. So we are even.