gunhearted | ic contact @ savetheearth

[Tone is not easy to read over text, so Ravi can't tell if that's a joke or a weak attempt to find a bright side. Really, couldn't it be both? It sounds like a defense mechanism either way.]

Are you staying in the dorms during the semester?

[it sounded that way. and if that's the case, at least there's a concrete ending in sight.]

[It's a little bit of both, yeah. He feels guilty for being so grim around Ravi when all he's done is help, but here's not much more optimism in him to muster.]

Yeah. I thought commuting would be stressful.

[Which isn't to say he got a good roommate. Which just added more stress because he swears the kid sold his iPod for drug money.]

Then you don't have to put up with it for very much longer, yes? A couple weeks, only.

You can last that long.

[he isn't ASKING if Jacuzzi thinks he can last that long. he knows the pessimism anxiety shoves on you; a question of 'can you' is always 'no' and then an attempt to phrase an answer in a way that doesn't sound self-defeating.]

[he is TELLING Jacuzzi he can last that long, because even if the pessimism protests, it's someone who believes he can without qualifying it, regardless of whatever Jacuzzi believes about himself.]

Until spring break, yeah.

[He doesn't have much of a choice. He can take this chunk by looking forward to going back to school. He has nothing to look forward to at school, but so long as he looks forward to school right now he's pretty good at functioning on a basic level.

You don't have to go home for Spring Break.

[speaking strictly from a 'the school doesn't require/expect it' position. sometimes he forgets to consider the sorts of things family might expect of a person, since he hasn't had to adhere to any filial obligations since high school]

They'll probably want me to.

Just to complain more.

[And then there's a few seconds before another follow up text.]

They don't mean it I think! They just make it worse when they help.

[ouch. he sees your bitterness there kid and he feels you.]

People who don't understand always make it worse when they try to help.

Let me guess, "Get over it" and "Why are you being difficult?"

[He can't help it. He's moping now.]

Why can't you just make friends?

What did we do wrong?

We're doing our best.

[people who take your anxiety and make it about themselves are the literal worst.]

They don't want to understand. They only want you to stop being inconvenient.

[PERSONAL. EXPERIENCE.]

i'm a disappointment.

and their only kid so they were banking on me.

they wanted me to go to an ivy league university. i barely made it into community college. and i'm not getting any better.

[YET ANOTEHR FOLLOW UP TEXT.]

you probably don't wnat to hear about that stuff though.

[oh MAN does he get the 'only kid' + 'personal disappointment' angle. YUP THAT WAS ALSO HIS CHILDHOOD.]

I do.

[...and not just because he's really nosy and wants to find out personal things about people because it's interesting. but also because he knows it helps to have someone to vent to, and he can REALLY RELATE]

I told you I would help, yes? Even if it was to listen, only.

i don't think anybody can help

[Jacuzzi is fairly grim about that. He hasn't done well with people... moreso he's been completely unable to connect to people for pretty much his whole life and he's been to doctor after doctor and p much no one's been able to help, so while he appreciates the sentiment

Jacuzzi is not hopeful.]

Because you think it doesn't make it true.

its nothin against you.

a lot of people tried.

i dont want to waste your time

I am not here to force you to get better.

I only know how hard it is to have no one to talk to.

i managed so far.

I managed, too.

But I would have preferred if I didn't have to.

[He almost wants to ask what worked for Ravi. But he knows that's a bad idea. So instead he shuts up. His first reaction is still his strongest defense. At least in his mind.]

im a lost cause. its ok. really.

[No it's not, Jacuzzi. 8|]

[MAN PEOPLE WITH ANXIETY ARE REALLY FRUSTRATING TO DEAL WITH.]

[... he realizes that applies to himself and he stands by it.]

[it takes him a minute to find the right thing to say here.]

Even if you are, I still want to be someone you can talk to who understands.

[IT'S TERRIBLE AND JACUZZI IS AWARE OF IT? And he feels bad about it. What does he not feel bad about.]

yeah but yuo're probabyl really busy so i dont want to waste your time

[SIGH... frustrating enough that his first few attempts at a response get deleted instead of sent. WAY too aggressive, not what will work here]

What you are doing now is called self-sabotage.

[He'd honestly argue but he knows he's gotten to the point where arguing is going to make things worse.

In normal conversations, this is where he ducks his head and waits for the other person to wear himself out explaining. This is texts though. He has to acknowledge he's at least not brushing him off. His first response, "yes sir" is immediately deleted because it is probably verging on offensive. So he goes for blunt.]

i know.

[that answer means Ravi doesn't feel he needs to explain, so at least Jacuzzi won't be getting a lecture about it.]

So you understand then why I am ignoring it, yes?

yes

[Short affirmative answers make every situation shorter.]

[the response takes a few minutes, because he's trying to be very careful with his words.]

It's okay for you to bother me for anything. I promise you that.

[he is definitely stretching the truth, but what he means is he'll PRETEND it's okay and he will try to avoid letting on any annoyance he may feel.]

Your anxiety doesn't know me. It can't decide how I feel. I know it is more comfortable to trust it because it is familiar, but remember it usually is lying to you.

ic contact @ savetheearth

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