gunhearted | ic contact @ savetheearth

[this is from Ravi's personal number, which is NOT the number he gave Jacuzzi when he came by the clinic the day before (that was his emergency number)]

[yes he got Jacuzzi's number out of his patient information file, probably a breach of patient confidentiality there WHOOPS]

How did it go with the dean?

-Ravi

[He doesn't touch his phone.

For like five days.

Partially because he hasn't gotten an answer back because he just dropped it off because human interaction is really, really hard; partially because oh jesus christ that's a text message how does he properly answer that.]

they let me take online tests for my finals. but they said i have to bring it in sooner next time...

[he considers sending a follow-up text. maybe the first didn't go through? maybe Jacuzzi doesn't remember his name, or realize Ravi is short for Ravindra? MAYBE HE'S JUST STRAIGHT-OUT IGNORING HIM??]

[he doesn't send a follow-up text. he keeps coming back to the idea, getting anxious over it, and procrastinating until he forgets about it for a while.]

[when he finally DOES get a response, it's both a surprise and a relief. he'd pretty much resigned himself to not getting a reply but kept stressing about how to follow up on it... now that is no longer an issue!]

It worked out then? I'm glad to hear it.

Hopefully there isn't a next time.

there shouldn't be.

sorry.

[Nope he's still feeling bad for the visit at all. And like he's definitely cheated his way into an excuse.

There's another text a minute later though because he just realized that normal humans have manners:]

thanks

[he's kind of puzzled by the sorry and not really sure what to do with it. Ravi is not the kind of person who apologizes needlessly (or even sometimes when he needs to), so he's always perplexed by the people who pathologically apologize for things that really aren't their fault.]

[then the follow-up thanks arrives while he's still considering, and that does get a faint smile out of him]

You're welcome. I'm glad to help.

What about your parents? Did the excuse work with them?

[Oh. His parents. Oh dear, that's a topic to tackle.]

Nothing works with them.

[He got a bunch of disappointment and threats to kick him out if his grades for the coming semester were not vastly improved.]

I'm used to it.

[he meant for the tattoo, but that's not a misunderstanding that's immediately apparent in Jacuzzi's reply]

[that sentiment is sadly one he understands very well]

Put up with it as long as you need to. Someday you will be able to get away from them.

[The excuse for the tattoo didn't even get an eyeroll. Something more like an "of course. Something else." Which he's sure they didn't mean badly but still...]

If I make it that long.

[A minute. And he realizes how grim that sounds so there's a second rushed text. Again.]

I'm joking! I'm fine. It was a joke.

[ :T . . .]

[the follow-up text is not actually very reassuring.]

[he gets that Jacuzzi is probably not talking about suicide here, and the follow-up seemed like an attempt to clarify that without actually denying the sentiment behind the first text. it seems more like someone who is slowly being worn down and cannot see a future for themselves other than continuing to wear down until there is nothing left.]

[he reads it that way because that is how things felt for him back in high school.]

[he doesn't know what he can even say that actually sounds encouraging.]

[they're not in a professional setting anymore, so he'll allow himself to get a little personal here]

I know how that feels.

[Ravi's read it pretty much perfectly. And every particle of Jacuzzi's body wants to put the phone down and stop texting.

Every. Single. Bit of him wants to just walk away from it because again how do you people. How do you handle a guy who's helped you out and you're sure you offended? Do you just walk away and have a 100% chance of offending him because you're not answering back. Or do you take the 5% chance that the next thing you send to him won't be stupid and awful and terrible?

Jacuzzi has absolutely no idea. He can make a joke? He's bad at jokes. He can be sincere--no, that is way out of his comfort zone.]

At least they didn't kick me out.

[That is a bright side, at least for Jacuzzi. He wonders if one day he might echo back a sense of calm. A moment of notanxiety? He doubts it. But maybe someday. Might be nice.]

[Tone is not easy to read over text, so Ravi can't tell if that's a joke or a weak attempt to find a bright side. Really, couldn't it be both? It sounds like a defense mechanism either way.]

Are you staying in the dorms during the semester?

[it sounded that way. and if that's the case, at least there's a concrete ending in sight.]

[It's a little bit of both, yeah. He feels guilty for being so grim around Ravi when all he's done is help, but here's not much more optimism in him to muster.]

Yeah. I thought commuting would be stressful.

[Which isn't to say he got a good roommate. Which just added more stress because he swears the kid sold his iPod for drug money.]

Then you don't have to put up with it for very much longer, yes? A couple weeks, only.

You can last that long.

[he isn't ASKING if Jacuzzi thinks he can last that long. he knows the pessimism anxiety shoves on you; a question of 'can you' is always 'no' and then an attempt to phrase an answer in a way that doesn't sound self-defeating.]

[he is TELLING Jacuzzi he can last that long, because even if the pessimism protests, it's someone who believes he can without qualifying it, regardless of whatever Jacuzzi believes about himself.]

Until spring break, yeah.

[He doesn't have much of a choice. He can take this chunk by looking forward to going back to school. He has nothing to look forward to at school, but so long as he looks forward to school right now he's pretty good at functioning on a basic level.

You don't have to go home for Spring Break.

[speaking strictly from a 'the school doesn't require/expect it' position. sometimes he forgets to consider the sorts of things family might expect of a person, since he hasn't had to adhere to any filial obligations since high school]

They'll probably want me to.

Just to complain more.

[And then there's a few seconds before another follow up text.]

They don't mean it I think! They just make it worse when they help.

[ouch. he sees your bitterness there kid and he feels you.]

People who don't understand always make it worse when they try to help.

Let me guess, "Get over it" and "Why are you being difficult?"

[He can't help it. He's moping now.]

Why can't you just make friends?

What did we do wrong?

We're doing our best.

[people who take your anxiety and make it about themselves are the literal worst.]

They don't want to understand. They only want you to stop being inconvenient.

[PERSONAL. EXPERIENCE.]

i'm a disappointment.

and their only kid so they were banking on me.

they wanted me to go to an ivy league university. i barely made it into community college. and i'm not getting any better.

[YET ANOTEHR FOLLOW UP TEXT.]

you probably don't wnat to hear about that stuff though.

[oh MAN does he get the 'only kid' + 'personal disappointment' angle. YUP THAT WAS ALSO HIS CHILDHOOD.]

I do.

[...and not just because he's really nosy and wants to find out personal things about people because it's interesting. but also because he knows it helps to have someone to vent to, and he can REALLY RELATE]

I told you I would help, yes? Even if it was to listen, only.

i don't think anybody can help

[Jacuzzi is fairly grim about that. He hasn't done well with people... moreso he's been completely unable to connect to people for pretty much his whole life and he's been to doctor after doctor and p much no one's been able to help, so while he appreciates the sentiment

Jacuzzi is not hopeful.]

Because you think it doesn't make it true.

its nothin against you.

a lot of people tried.

i dont want to waste your time

I am not here to force you to get better.

I only know how hard it is to have no one to talk to.

ic contact @ savetheearth

[Phone text; 12/23, late afternoon]

12/28

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